MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
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Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language