Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
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Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
normalize having existential bread
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee