This raises questions
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This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.