5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
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The answer is funnier than the question
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Childbirth is so beautiful
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Möther may I have a snäck
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot