Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
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I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
🤣🤣🤣
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.