Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
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Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda