st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
You Might Also Like
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
I want to meet the individual who made this
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Order here:
More here:
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter