Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
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Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.