It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
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Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!