Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
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I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.