Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
You Might Also Like
Made something I’m not proud of
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
That’s incredible! 👌
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’