Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
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Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out