the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
You Might Also Like
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Is your wife single?
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.