[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
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The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Death certificates are our last participation award.