there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
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I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
My life in a nutshell
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Many hands make light work
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
They’re stuck in your pants?