Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
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Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?