Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
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“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
The USS B port
#SaturdayBears
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.