If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
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What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.