*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
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Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
A completely valid reaction tbh
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here