Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
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I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Kids: Stay in school.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…