ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
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If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Breaking news:
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.