It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
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Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.