Safety first
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weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Oh thanks BBC.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.