Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
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*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”