Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
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Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!