He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
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My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Oceanography is all about current events
When the stylist spins you back around
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated