Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
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If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”