1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
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Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Something Saturday.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S