[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
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11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Grow up never but we old may grow we
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you