Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
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Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked