yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
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Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”