ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
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date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Woke up against my better judgment again
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
same vibe as tangled headphones
CUTE CAT‼︎
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
so weird how every mom was born today
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again