It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
You Might Also Like
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER