I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
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I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Meanwhile in Canada…
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.