[Controversial and unpopular statement]
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I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
#milo
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.