Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
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Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
I bet
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.