[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
You Might Also Like
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can