Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
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Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Smells like a challenge to me
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Why are bridges so flammable.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.