[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
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“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.