Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
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Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
“no gods no masters” = leo
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.