My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
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Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
The Friday File.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.