A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
You Might Also Like
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me: