Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
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-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”
I pointed to my daughter.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
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