*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
You Might Also Like
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…