Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
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Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
The first matador
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”