Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
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A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.