My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
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Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Same pineapple, same
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up