3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
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“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.