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Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
some Old Testament wisdom
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it