Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
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Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.